kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
