the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
