we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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