pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
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