I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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