Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
