mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
