Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
