There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
