I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
