I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
