We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
