Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
