I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
