Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
