The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
