Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
