I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
