I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize