If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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