I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
