Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize