Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize