This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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