I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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