I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
the condom got lost in my hair
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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