"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
