Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
