just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
