Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
