Me. At least after what I've been through.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
