Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
