I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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