By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
