I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
