i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
