Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
