so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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