Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
