I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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