I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
