today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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