P.S. I can't hear my feet
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
