Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
