I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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