At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
