the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
