Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
