Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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