Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
