Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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