Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize