I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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