I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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