my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
