You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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