I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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