Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
