Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
