I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
